Do you remember the time you met your significant other? You were head over heels, laughed about their jokes, thought they were so cute, and lots of hugging and kissing were happening. Then you had kids, and the time together got shorter, and you were busier with driving to soccer practice, dance, or other sports lessons, and the handholding, hugging, and intimacy got less.
At first, you chalked it up to a busy schedule and said it was just a phase, but then your husband became more like a roommate instead of an intimate partner.
As this is for women over 50, I used the terms husband, spouse, and partner, but please fill in wife, significant other, life partner, or whatever fits your life because the empty nest marriage is all-inclusive.
We must take steps to stay in a close relationship with our partners. Not everyone experiences this disconnect. However, once the kids leave the house, we may have to reclaim or reinvent our relationship to rescue our empty nest marriage.
It takes more energy than you might think to deal with all the emotions that come up once the last child leaves the house. We may feel that there is not much to do anymore, so we keep busy cleaning or organizing the home.
Instead, take time to embrace the feelings that come up and take time to digest those feelings. Rest can come in the form of sitting, reading, exercise, breath work, and perhaps taking a nap during the day to recharge.
Once you clear your mind, it’s time to start focusing on the health of your relationship. Since the house is empty, you’ll notice your partner milling around, which may also be unfamiliar to you. If you have trouble letting go, ask your partner about how they feel and share your emotions.
2. Eat healthy and nutritious meals.
You no longer have to cook for the entire family and instead make meals that are right for your body and health, ideal for a woman over 50. So why not include your partner in the meal planning, shopping, and cooking adventure?
Discover new recipes and cooking methods together, or perhaps take a knife class to know exactly how to cut an onion or other foods. You learn how to prepare new meals and enjoy each other’s company with a bit of music and perhaps some wine for an intimate evening together.
If your partner is not into cooking, perhaps chopping vegetables is fun. What matters is that you spend time together doing something that connects you and your interests.
You can read more of my tips here How To Cook For 2 When The Nest Is Empty, where I share one of my favorite recipes and tips to cook for two.
3. Create new routines
Once the kids are gone, you can have a date night or a date weekend ANY day of the week, not only when you find a babysitter. Rediscover interests you had forgotten about or new ideas sparked from your friend’s activities.
Make time for each other by walking or working out together. Spend time volunteering for a charity you support. Create new routines and rituals that draw you back into each other’s arms.
For more ideas: Keep Moving, Keep Doing, Keep Living with Heidi Herman
4. Rekindle Romance
Let’s face it, many of us push our marriage or relationships aside and say things are fine. We may even do date nights once a week, but there is more to a happy marriage or relationship.
Without the kids around, you have many opportunities to rekindle romance and passion. Get to know each other again and explore how to please each other. For example, my husband and I took a class to learn how to give each other a massage, and not only was this fun to take this course together, but I discovered my husband is a genius at giving massages.
So it was a double success! Take some time to adjust to being around each other without distraction. No more closed-door policy!
Menopause and post-menopause can make sex painful and almost impossible. Explore alternative options and find a qualified gynecologist or specialist to help you deal with vaginal dryness or other problems related to intercourse.
For additional resources, listen to Pelvic Floor Dysfunction with Dr. Michele Frey. She emphasizes analyzing the bigger picture with all her patients by looking at all the circumstances in their lives that may cause them to have too much pelvic floor tension – or not enough.
5. Discover your shared interests
Gone are the times when you can’t do what you’d love to do or explore new hobbies or interests. So take advantage of this opportunity. First, list activities you would like to explore and ask your partner to join.
Show interest in your partner’s hobbies and learn more about them. If that’s not for you, you don’t have to participate in them, but at least you know what they love. You might start loving it too!
If you have interests that your spouse doesn’t share, designate specific times of the week for those—he can watch his football game each Thursday night while you join a friend for a Salsa or Pilates class.
Remember to be patient. It took a while for the two of you to grow apart, and it’ll take time to reconnect. Be patient with yourself and your partner. It’s a transition into something new and unfamiliar, and that’s ok!
The most important thing is to be proactive—communicate, spend time together, and support each other. The second half of your marriage can be miserable or better than ever—it’s up to the two of you.
Do you feel like you are ready to get stronger and healthier for the adventures ahead? Then reach out to me. I would love to help you.